Fun with Sawyer and Jack
by jadeandsugar
Summary: What happens when you cross over the Lost Island with two insane fangirls? MADNESS, of course! This was cowritten with my best friend, and we both put a lot of effort and humour in it, so plz read and review!
1. Huggling time!

**Hello! **

**This is my first Lost ficcie, and I co-wrote it with my bestest bud Nica! (short for Danica) My real name is Ashlee, and we will appear in this story.**

**WARNING! Jack will be bashed and Sawyer will be huggled! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Lost. **

It was a fine sunny day. We were outside our school dealing drugs again, when suddenly Sawyer appeared in a halo of light and sexyness.

'SAWYER!!!!!' I screamed at the top of my lungs.

Sawyer looked bloody confused and scared. One minute he had been on the island shouting abuse at Hurley, the next he was in a busy street being screamed at by two overly hormonal obsessive teenage girls.

'Shit...' Sawyer muttered as the two girls charged at him with open arms and loud voices.

'SAWYER HUGGLE TEDDY POO!!!!!!!' I screamed.

Nica started screaming too. She wasn't a huge Sawyer fangirl, but she felt like tackling a hot grown man to the ground anyway.

I tackled Sawyer to the ground and ripped his shirt off cos I felt like exposing his muscles, while Nica started cackling like a maniac. She tackled him too to hold him down, but the second we both touched HIM we disappeared into a vortex of terror and swirling colours.

'PRETTY COLOUUUUURZZZZZZ!!!!!' Nica screamed, not paying attention to the fact that we were spinning through space and time.

POP!!!

'Dude...' Hurley said, eyes wide as Sawyer appeared with two squirming, screeching girls on top of him.

Boone suddenly appeared as well. He WASN'T DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'OMG!!!! BOONEY!!!!!!!!!!!' Nica squealed like a psychopath. Because she was an avid Boone fangirl, she charged at him, tackled him and ripped his shirt off.

'Dude...' Hurley said even louder.

We started screaming for joy, and began to stagger around like drunks from the shock of it. With a loud sigh we both collapsed onto our respective hot guys.

'DUDE!!!!!' Hurley screamed. This went on for some time, until Nica hit Hurley over the head with a cricket bat.

'Stupid giant marshmallow...' she muttered.

After we had gotten over our dreams coming true, we gave them their shirts back, but they were to ripped to wear.

Sawyer began to swear for the hell of it, even though he had slightly enjoyed being attacked like that, so I swore too.

'Damn hell, shit and bitch!' I said happily.

Suddenly, we both stopped. There coming out of the shadows was CHARLIE!!!!!!!

We both started to giggle from the evil thoughts we were thinking involving Charlie and drugs.

'Hey Charlezzz!!!!' Nica screeched. 'Want some drugzzz?'

'Drugs? DrUGs? dRuGS? DrUgS? drUgS?' Charlie said, foaming at the mouth.

'YA!!!! DRUGZZZZZ!!!!!!' Nica screamed back at him, waving a packet around.

Charlie continued to foam at the mouth until he collapsed onto the sand and twitched violently.

'I think you killed him,' I said, staring at Charlie.

'NAH. He's not dead,' she picked up a long, sharp stick and prodded him in the bum a few times. 'C'mon, signs of life...' she muttered.

'See? Dead.' I said smugly.

'HE IS _NOT_ DEAD!' Nica said firmly. She stabbed him in the arse a few more times, each jab getting increasingly more violent when...

_Poooooot_...

We stared at him in shock. 'Uh... did he just _FART_?' I asked, staring at Charlie's limp body.

'OH DEAR GOD!!!!!' Nica screamed as the terrible smell hit her nostrils.

Boone, Sawyer, Nica and I all ran from the terrible smell, leaving Hurley and Charlie to be stinky together, but just as I looked back to make sure that no giant cloud of stench was following us, Sawyer stopped. Boone crashed into Sawyer, then Nica crashed into Boone and then I crashed into Nica, went flying over everyone and skidded to a stop in the sand.

'What the F?' I said angrily, spitting out a wad of sand. 'Why'd you stop?'

I glared at Nica, but she was staring at the figure behind me. Slowly, I turned around and looked at the form behind me.

It was Jack.

**Well, what do you think? Just pure madness and fangirling bliss, eh? Oh, and we DON'T deal drugs, so don't give me any nasty little reviews about that, OK? But review! Please review! PLEASE!!!! Suggestions are welcomed, and just so you know, ALL characters will be bashed, especially Jack, so, yeah.**

**R&R!!!!**


	2. Beach cricket with Jack

**Yo, what's up, keep reading, GOODBYE.**

'What's going on here?' Uglay Jackass demanded.

Nica and I grinned at each other, not wasting breath on explanations. Nica pulled out her cricket set and got two bats out.

'One for me and one for you!' Nica grinned.

'This is gonna be fun!' I cackled, grabbing one of the bats.

'OY JACKASS, WANNA PLAY CRICKET???!!!?!?!?' Nica yelled.

'Uhhhhh, I don't think-

'We're the batters,' Nica cut across him. 'You can bowl.'

'Where's the ball?' Jack asked, bewildered.

'Your head is the ball!!!!' I shouted.

We charged at Jackass, bats held high...

SMASH!!! BANG!!!! BOOM!!

'AHHHH!!!!' Jack screamed. He fell backwards on his ARSE and screamed a bit more.

'YOU STUPID MOLE!!!' I shouted at him. 'I WANTED A SIX!!!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!'

'Hah!' Nica said. 'I bet I can hit him further than you!'

'What?!' Jack howled.

Sawyer and Boone shrugged at each other and ran to join in the fun. Because Sawyer was the strongest, he bowled Jackass to us, and we smashed him up a bit. Eventually, we changed the rules so that whoever hurt Jack the most won. Luckily my extreme hatred for Jack fueled my muscles and I won, making him scream the loudest.

After we'd had our fun with Saint Jack/Jackerie/Jackass/Jackblack/ Jack-insert-name-of-humorous-gag-here we went back to their camp and introduced ourselves to the rest of the Losties. Things were going well, and we clicked straight away with Ana-Lucia, Kate and Libby. But just when we were getting into "Hawt guy discussions," Locke came along.

'Hey, how ya doin?' I asked Locke.

'Who are you?' Locko asked.

'BALLDDD!!' Nica screamed.

The sun reflected off his bald head and shone into my eyes, blinding me.

'THE BALDNESS!!!! IT'S BURNING MY EYES!!!!!' I screamed.

We attacked him and shoved his head into dog crap that Vincent conveniently crapped there earlier that day. That took the shine out of his bald head.

'He has hair now!' Nica said proudly.

'Yeah, DOG CRAP!!!!' I screamed.

We slapped each other a high five, and ran away before he could attack us. I went looking for my video camera, and Nica decided to pester Eko.

'So, Wilbur,' she began.

'My name isn't WILBUR,' he said suspiciously. 'It's Eko.'

'No, it's Wilbur,' she insisted.

'My name isn't Wilbur!' he shouted.

'It is now,' she growled.

Something about her tone of voice told Eko that he'd end up with her foot in his ass if he didn't shut up, so he quickly busied himself chopping wood.

'Who are you anyway?' he asked in mid-chop, careful that his bum was out of the firing range if she decided to turn violent.

She didn't. Instead she just stared at him curiously.

'Why do you always take your shirt off?'

'What?'

'You heard me. I mean, it's a bit strange, seeing as you haven't got pecs or a decent beard.'

'WHAT?!'

' 'Cos, really, I think you're heading more in the way of man-boobs than manly-man muscles.' she said.

Eko was starting to get mad now.

'I could make you a man-bra if you want,' she offered.

Eko snapped. Picking up his axe, he swung it at her and roared.

'Calm down Wilbur! I know admitting that you have a weight problem is hard, but you could join my weight loss club! I've already made Hurley join! Forcibly!' She took off down the beach. 'FORCIBLY!!!'

I was busy filming Locke to make a documentary on "_When bald people attack"_ when Nica charged down the beach at me and hid behind Boone. Eko burst out of the bushes and groared at us a bit.

'What'd you do this time?' I demanded.

'Nuffin,' she said unconvincingly.

I pelted some of Vincent's crap at Eko, but that, if anything, seemed to make him angrier.

'Throw harder!' I shouted

'Captain! We're all out of ammo!' Nica shouted, showing me a very pooped-out Vincent.

'Crud... RETREAT!!!!' I shouted. I leapt on Sawyer's back and kicked him. 'Run Sawyer! RUN!!!!'

Nica did likewise on Boone, and we both sprinted off down the beach... or rather, our hot guys did. We selected a suitable hiding spot that was free from any marauding fatties and discussed some plans.

'It must be all that fat making him angry... Locke's a bit tubby too, and he tried to kill me just because I shoved his head into dog crap and filmed the aftermath. I mean, that's no reason to go spastic!' I said.

Sawyer and Boone snorted derisively, but we ignored them.

'We're going to have to put this weight loss club into action,' Nica said seriously.

I nodded. 'That's gonna be fun...' I grinned.

**Yep! That's right, next chapter we're going to do a weight loss club, and it sounds bloody awesome too! I think I might have been a bit tough on poor old Eko though-**

**Nica: It's Wilbur now.**

**Me: Uh, okay, Wilbur, but it needed to be said. So anyway-**

**Nica: Wilbur SUX:D**

**Me: STOP INTERRUPTING!!**

**Nica: Make me.**

**Me: YOU'RE EMBARRASING ME IN FRONT OF THE READERS!!!!**

**Nica: You think this is embarrasing? Do you remember that time you blew your nose and-**

**Me: GIMME THAT KEYBOARD!!!!!**

(_scuffling noises)_

**Nica: It went-all over- aaarg!!!!!**

**Me: R&R!!!!! DIE!!!!!! BETRAYER!!!!!!!**


	3. Big fAT fATTIES part 1

**Welcome to our weight loss club! This is a take-off of the Biggest Loser, and there are four contestants... I won't spoil the rest, but anyway, here it is!**

'Good evening Survivors! Welcome to Big Fat Fatties boot camp, Lost style! The boot is for kicking! My name is Bobba and this is Jillsy!' I shouted.

'I'm a bitch!' Jillsy cackled.

'You sure are Jillsy! Now, here's our first contestant: Hurley DUDE!!!!!!!' I shouted.

The audience cheered and clapped, and Hurley stepped out wearing a purple shirt. 'Uhhh, hi everyone I'm on the purple team, and I came here to lose weight... and also Jillsy is threatening to kill Libby if I don't participate.'

'Isn't that nice folks! It's always nice to have willing contestants! Now, our second contestant iiiiiiissssss... LOCKE!!!!!!!!!!' I said.

The audience cheered again, but when Locke stepped out on stage...

'OMG!'

'Bald!'

'BALD!!'

'BALLLLLDDDD!!!!!'

'MY EYES!!!!!'

'THEY'RE ON FIRE!!!!'

'BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!

Jillsy and I had sunnies on to deflect Locko's BALDNESS, so we quickly subdued him with a tranguilizer gun.

'Ohhhhhhhh Viiiiiincent!!!!' Jillsy hollered.

Vincent leapt out of the bushes and did a fruity crap on Locke's head. (He'd been eating mangoes)

'Thank you Vincent!' I shouted.

Jillsy kicked Locke because she felt like it, and I called out the next contestant.

'Our third contestant is Eko- I began.

'WILBUUUUR!!!!!' Jillsy screamed.

'Um, Wilbur, COME ON DOWN!!!!!!!!!' I cried.

Wilbur stomped out looking positively murderous. He had a pink shirt on and it seemed as though Jillsy had forced a blonde wig on his head.

I fought of the giggles and choked out. 'So, Wilbur, why are you here?'

Wilbur made RUDE SIGNS at both of us and said. 'F you all!!!!!!!!!!'

Jillsy and I howled with laughter and he kicked a wall.

'OY!! Stop that!' Jillsy shouted.

'What?' I said, bewildered.

'Not you! Wilbur!' Jillsy pointed at him. 'He's attacking that wall! It didn't do anything to him!'

Wilbur continue to savage the wall, then he turned his aggression on a random pot plant.

'He's having a go at the flowers now!' I said, outraged.

We tackled him and chucked him into some random cage until he calmed down.

'All righty then, the final contestant is...JACKASS!!!!!!!' I screamed.

Instead of cheering, Jackass was met with loud boos and everyone pelted rotton mangoes at him.

'BUT I'M THE ISLAND DOCTOR!!!!! EVERYONE LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!!' Jack screamed, shielding himself from the putrid fruit.

Jillsy snuck up behind him and gave him one almighty kick in the ass.

'Yup, we love ya Jackass,' she said happily. 'You sure are fun to kick!'

I giggled and kicked him a few times as well. After we had gotten over it, we went back into serious mode.

'Okay all, it's time for the first weigh in. Hurley, you're up. Take off your shirt and step up to the scales.'

Hurley reluctantly removed his purple shirt. This was followed by a huge gasp from everyone present.

'Oh my God...' Jillsy said.

'HURLEY IS ACTUALLY A WOMAN!!!!!!!' I screamed.

'Hey Bobba, I'm not, I just-' Huley started. But he was cut off by the loud screaming that followed.

'WOMAN!!!!!!!!'

'LADY!!!!!!!!!'

'GIRL!!!!!!!!'

'HE HAS _BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!' _

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

The screaming continued for some time until Hurley shoved his shirt on.

'I'll just get weighed like this,' he growled irritably, stomping over to the scales.

'Are you sure?' I asked, a little disappointed that my new documentary of _When man-boobs grow_ was being cut short.

'Quite sure,' he sniffed. He stepped onto the scales and I checked his weight.

'Ewwwww!' I shouted. '165 kilograms!'

'That's despicable!' Jillsy shouted, little bits of chocolate spraying out of her mouth as she spoke. 'How could you Hurley?'

She took another bite of her chocolate bar and glared at him.

'All righty then,' I said, pretending to note it down on a piece of paper, even though I was actually doodling a funny picture of Vincent doing a crap on Jack's head. 'Take a seat Hurley. The next person to weigh in is the Bald Wonder!'

There was some cheering, but, of course, Locke couldn't get up to weigh in, so our Muscle Men (sawyer and Boone) dragged him over to the scales.

'Absolutely disgusting,' I said. '85 kg!'

Jillsy kicked him again and threw her chocolate bar wrapper at him.

'Okay guys, you can drag him off. Wilbur, you're next!' I said.

I unlocked Wilbur from his cage and he stalked over to the scales.

'Do it without the attitude or don't do it at all!' Jillsy shouted.

'Jillsy! Enough with the commentary!' I yelled. I turned back to the scales. 'Not as bad. 80.7 kg!'

Wilbur stuck his nose in the air and stomped away.

'What a bitch,' I said. Jillsy and I glanced at each other and giggled. Emerging with a straight face, I proclaimed the next step. 'Jackass... let's see those kilos!'

Jack took his shirt off and reluctantly walked over to the scales. Smiling with relief, he read the figures.

'78,' I said distastefully. Nodding at Jillsy, we both joined him on the scales.

'Look at that!' Jillsy shouted. 'The scales are saying that you just gained an extra 85 kilos!'

With a loud woof, Vincent ran over and happily jumped on the scales as well.

'And rising!' I shouted. 'Another twenty kilos!'

'Hey! This isn't fair!' Jackass shouted.

'I'll decide what's fair,' Jillsy growled, 'Since I'm your trainer!'

She motioned to Boone and Sawyer, who ran over and clambered on the scales as well.

'Dear God!' I screamed.'Another 145!!!!'

'He's _morbidly _obese!' Jillsy shouted.

We both started screaming until Sawyer went and grabbed a couple of heavy rocks and dumped them on as well.

'_Look!_ Another 35! That's 363 kilos!' Jillsy cried.

'Man. We got a lotta work to do,' I said, shaking my head.

We shoved Jackass back with the rest of the gang and separated them into two teams. I got Hurley and Locke, the purple team, and Jillsy got Jack and Wilbur, the pink team.

'OK, now we're gonna train our teams so that they'll lose we-

_Wa-chi!_

'OY! Jillsy, stop that!' I shouted.

Jillsy was whipping Jack with a fluffy pink-handled bull whip. She pulled a face.

'Aww. Do I have to?' She whined, half raising the whip to strike again.

'Yes!' I said firmly. 'We haven't started training them yet!'

She sulked and lowered the whip. Giving her an icy glare, I continued. 'We're going to train them for a week, and then at the end we're going to have a weigh in to see who has lost the most!'

There was some cheering. I grinned. I couldn't wait to start the training session...

**Sorry I had to leave it there, but I'm tired and my fingers hurt cuz of all the typing.**

**Nica: My fingers hurt too.**

**Me: Whaddya mean they hurt?! I'm the one that does all the typing! You just sit there yelling stuff!**

**Nica: (sniff) I just want to be considered a productive member of the team...**

**Me: Whatever. Review!**


	4. Big fAT fATTIES part 2

**This one is REALLY LOOOOOONG, so beware!!!! It's DOUBLE the madness!!!!**

**Disclaimer: Nica/Jillsy does NOT drink beer, OK?!**

'I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!' Jillsy sceeched at JackAss.

'EEek!!!!' Jack cried, running away.

Wilbur watched on, glad that Jack hurling on Jillsy's favourite army boots had taken the attention away from the man-bra that Jillsy had given him. It was pink and frilly and had the words _I'm 100 percent woman_ on it.

_Wa-chi!_

Jack squealed and clutched his butt.

'I'LL TEACH YOU TO NOT CONTROL YOUR UNCONTROLLABLE BODILY FUNCTIONS!!!!!!!!' Jillsy screamed.

_WA-chi!!! WA-CHIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!_

'Jillsy! Would you lay off the whip? I can't hear myself shout at Hurley!' I yelled.

_wa-chi!_

'That's better.' I turned back to Hurley. 'NOW WHAT THE BLOODY EFFING HELL ARE YOU STANDING AROUND FOR????????!!!?!?!!?!? START RUNNING YOU LAZY TOAD!!!!!!!!!! Oh, and Wilbur, nice man-bra!'

Wilbur scowled and started doing some push ups, just to keep himself safe from Jillsy's wrath, which, coincidentally, was in full force.

'DAMN HYPOCRIT!!! I'M GONNA KEELHAUL YOU!!!!!!!!!' Jillsy was belting out every insult she could think of while whipping Jack with her pink bull whip.

'LOCKO YOU STUPID MOLE, START PUMPING THOSE SCRAWNY CHICKEN LEGS!!!!!!!!!!' I yelled. Locko immediately started to sprint down the beach, although I think it was mainly to get away from Jillsy.

I jumped into my dune buggy and drove after Hurley and Locko. Whipping out a megaphone, I put it against Hurley's ear and shouted.

'HURLEY YOU FAT FAT FATTY BOOM-BOOM!!!!!! GET DOWN AND GIVE ME 108 PUSH UPS!!!!!! First four, then eight, then fifteen, sixteen and twenty three, then another forty two.'

'Dude! The numbers! They're BACK!!!!!!!!!!!' Hurley screamed.

Hurley started freaking out about the numbers and collapsed into the sand gabbering away about curses and other random shit that I couldn't care less about. I was a hundred percent bitch today, AND LOVING IT.

'GET YOUR ASS UP OFFA THAT GROUND, THEN GET BACK ON THE GROUND AND GIVE ME PUSH UPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' I shouted.

'But the numbers!' Hurley said meekly.

'YOUR MAMA!!!!!' I screramed at him.

Taking the hint, Hurley got his ass offa that ground, then got back on the ground and gave me push ups.

'Harder! FASTER!!!' I urged.

Hurley puffed and groaned, then finally collapsed after doing 108 push ups.

'Couldn't you have done it quicker?' I sniffed.

'I'll do it next time,' Hurley gasped. He slowly heaved his vast bulk off the ground and stood up. My nostrils flared.

'Oh, _man_ Hurley! You stink like Vincent Crap!'

Hurley scowled. 'You're worse than Sawyer,' he said.

'Thank you,' I said grabbing Jillsy's whip and holding it above Hurley's head.

DIEEEEEE!!!! FAT FATTY FAT-FAT FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT BUTTTTTTHOOLLLLEEE!!! I said whipping the life outta Hurley.

'I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!! Jillsy SCREECHED, doing her Beavis imitation.

We cackled crazily at each other and played rock paper scissors to add to the randomness. Two minutes later we had calmed down siginificantly, and went looking in the jungle for possible Big Fat Fatty challenges.

'We could make them cut down a tree?' I suggested.

'Nah. Wilbur's always cuttin' down trees. He'll cut down the whole damn island if we let him near that axe,' Jillsy replied.

I pushed past some ferns and cleared a path. We wandered around for a bit, not really inspired by our surroundings. I found a cute little dragonfly on a branch, but Jillsy was busy chatting up Boone, and when I told her she'd missed a cute dragonfly she got really upset. There was a lot of yelling and the Crazy French Chick told her to calm down and there was almost a fight, but luckily I held her back.

'Effing bogan,' she growled.

I didn't reply, which was unusual because I usually swear with her when she goes on a rant. Instead I just stared.

'Bobba? What is it?' She asked. She followed my gaze and gasped. There, in a clearing not too far away was a plane. Not a big one, but big enough to seat about 32 people. The top half of it had been ripped away, and the remaining shell was deeply embedded in the ground.

Jillsy and I stared at each other. We had just found our first Big Fat Fatties challenge.

* * *

After checking that the vines were secure around our contestants, I nodded to Jillsy, who went into slave driver mode and whipped them. 

'C'MON YA FAT FAT FATTY MOLES!!!!!!! I WANT SWEAT!!! AND POSSIBLY BLOOD!!!!!! BUT MOSTLY SWEAT!!!!! BLOOD IS A BIT YUCKY!!!!!!!!' She yelled.

'I'm not fat!' Jack said indignantly, puffing as he strained to pull the plane.

I jabbed him in the stomach. 'YOU'RE A FAT COW THAT NEEDS TO BE MILKED!!!!!!!!!!' I informed him.

They puffed and strained and sweated and with a creaking groan, the plane started to move.

'Pull harder!' I cried excitedly. I couldn't wait to have a good look through the plane once we got it up on the beach.

With a huge moan and a big whip crack, the plane finally came free of the mud.

'w00t!!!!' I cried.

'Don't get too excited. We have to get this thing onto the beach before it's any good to us,' Jillsy warned.

TWO HOURS LATER...

'uhhhhhhh... I think my lung just collapsed...' Hurley groaned.

Jack was way too exhausted to try and save Hurley, so he just flopped on the sand and groaned.

'Hey!' My voice floated outside to them. 'There's a bag in here! Filled... with... CANDY!!!!!!! Oh no, wait, that's just a rat... damn...'

'LOOK!! I FOUND SOME BEER!!!'Sawyer squealed.

'OUTTA THE WAY JACKASS!!!' Jillsy SCREAMED

Jackass himself stared up into the plane, confused. What had he done wrong now?

Jillsy stumbled out of the plane and threw a beer can at him, then quickly sculled another and threw it at Wilbur.

'GET OUTTA MY WAY JACKASSESS!!!!AND WILBURASSES!!!!!' Jillsy SCREAMED.

'Jillsy!You're to young to drink booze.' I shouted angrily. I was usually the mediator for Jillsy's lurid schemes.

'Beer!' Sawyer said happily, hugging the booze to his chest.

'OY SAWYER!!Why do you have your shirt on? You need to have a tan on your chest to be manly!' I said.

'BEER!!!!' Sawyer squealed, to drunk with happiness to care.

I wandered round the plane a bit more. The suspicious beer supply was coming from a miniature bar fridge. I entered the cockpit, and saw that the pilot was clutching a beer can and had a decidedly drunk look on his decomposed face.

'Hey! BoBBa! Jillsy said.'Sawyer's drunk and Kate is attacking him with her lips!!

My Skater side screamed with delight, but my bigger JEALOUS FANGIRLING side blew up with rage. 'EEEEEYYYYYYAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!' I screamed and tackled Kate off Sawyer. 'Kiss me boyfriend? GRARHDGBRAHGTRYANGGRHKIUNGNEEEYAH!!!!!!!'

Kate screamed in terror and tried to struggle off me. 'YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE A SKATER!!!!!' She wailed, trying detach me from her leg.

'I ALSO TOLD YOU THAT I WAS AN INSANE FANGIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LISTEN, DAMMMMMIT!!!!!'

'Gather around there's a bitchfight goin' on.' Sawyer announced.

After the massive bitch fight all was peaceful on the Lost island except I was deemed dangerous and chained against the wall, to brood in my anger while Jillsy fed the contestants.

'Yeah, there was some health food crap in these boxes over here,' she said, rummaging through a large metal locker. She pulled out a packet and sniffed it. 'GAH!!!!' she screamed, flinging it at Hurley's head. 'You can have that one.'

Hurley opened it and chewed it cautiously. With a loud spluttering sound, he spat it back out at WILBUR!

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!' I cackled from my corner.

'OY YOU!!!! NO TALKING IN THE NAUGHTY CORNER!!!!' Jillsy yelled. She fished through the box again and pulled out a packet that seemed to be filled with rat CRAP.

'It's either sunflower seeds or rat crap,' she said, giving it to Wilbur.You decide.'

Jillsy closed the box. 'No more food because you're all fat-fatty-fat-fats.Hurley and Wilbur can share.'

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!' I cackled again.

Jillsy unchained me from the wall and we headed back to our LAIR in which there was junk food of every kind.

'MMMMMMM GOOD FOOD,' I mumbled through a mouthful of choc.

Hurley peeped through the bushes. He had followed us to ask for more food, but he gasped when saw their hoard.

'PEEPING TOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Jillsy screamed.

NO! PEEPING HURLEY!!!!!!!!' I yelled.

'Quick! Get the tranquilizer gun!!!! We can't let him get near the LAIR!!! DEFEND THE LAIR!!!!!!!!!' Jillsy panicked.

'DIE FATTY-FAT-FAT!!' I shouted shooting about 50 darts at him. Hurley collapsed instantly and we sighed with relief.

'Well, that was an eventful day 1!!!' I said cheerfully.

Who knows what will happen on day 2????!!!

**A/N: Due to the fact that we cannot be stuffed writing anymore on this and we don't want any more chapters than two on the weight loss bit, we are going to skip ahead one week, just before the final weigh in.**

'Look! I caught a lizard!!!! It's my pet, and I'm gonna name it Bob! After me!' I said.

'GWARARARAARWARARARARARWAR!!!' Hurley globbed and spat at me.

'uhhhh...' I said. Hurley lunged at me and grabbed little Bob and ate him.

'NNNNUUUUUUOOOOO!!!!!!!!' I screamed. 'My little Bobsie!!!!!!!!'

Hurley crunched and gave a satisfied burp, the deranged look leaving his face... slightly.

'HURLEY HOW CUD U??????' I wailed. 'He was my only friend!!!!'

'OY!!!' Jillsy yelled.

'You put me in the naughty corner again last night. I don't like you anymore,' I scowled.

'Well you did give Kate the finger again,' she said defensively. 'You have to learn to be nice!'

I gave Jillsy the finger and ran away laughing.'C'mon Locko dude!!!! Let's go running!!!!!!'

Jillsy glared after us and I discovered that my socks were missing. 'Where the hell are my socks?' I yelled.

Hurley was sitting on the beach chewing something sock-like. How he had managed to get my socks off while my shoes were still on without me knowing was beyond me.

'Damn you Fatty!!!!! DAMN YOUUOUOUOUUO!!!!!' I said in a demented fashion.

Already plotting my revenge, I went back to the plane we had found and rummaged through one of the boxes. It was filled with... CLOTHES!!!!!!

'Muahahahahahahaha!' I cackled.

I pulled out a very PINK costume and a very FRILLY costume as well as some dangerously high heels and ran back to the beach to get some contestants ready for the final weigh in...

* * *

'Good evening!!!! Welcome to the finale of Big Fat Fatties, as always I'm your host Bobba and this is Jillsy!!!' I shouted.

'Howdy!' Jillsy said.

'Please welcome back our contestant; Jackass, Hurley, Wilbur and Locke!'

There was cheering and the four contestants walked out on stage. Hurley was dressed in a pink fairy tutu clutching a wand. Wilbur was wearing his blonde wig again and his man-bra was on display for all to see. Locke had a tight purple cocktail dress on with dangerous stilettos and a purple toupee with pink polka dots to match. Jack was dressed in a frilly mini-skirt.

However, something was wrong with Jack. That something was his alarming lack of a shirt. His disgusting, gross, despicable gorrilla-like chest hair was on display for all to see.

'EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!' the crowd screamed.

'I told you it was a bad idea,' I muttered. 'If it blinded me in rehearsal then it was obviously going to make the crowd angry.'

'As the trainers...' I paused and started again. 'AS THE TRAINERS WE WILL WEIGH OURSELVES FIRST, OK?'

The crowd continued to yell at Jack who desperately tried to cover it up. Jillsy bypassed him on the way to the scales and shoved a t-shirt that said _I'm a woman and I can't deny it _on the front.

'Suck on that, Jackass,' she grinned.

We went on the scales and together we weighed 85 kilos. (Ok, we might weigh a bit more than that, but we only have a pair of dodgy bathroom scales to work with, so DEAL WITH IT)

'WOO!' Jillsy screamed. 'We are not fat! We are not fat!' She jumped up and down on the scales and with a loud crack the scales broke.

'WHAT THE HELL JILLSY!!!! U BROKE THE FRIKEN SCALES AND RUINED THE DAMN SHOW!!!!!!' I exploded.

'Oops!' she said, staring at the scales.

'Well folks, since SOMEONE broke the scales we cannot weigh the contestants so... WE WIN!!!'

'By default!' Jillsy added.

'WWWWWWWWW0000000000000000T!!!!' We SCREAMED.

THE END!

**Well, that was a shite ending wasn't it? But we've been sitting here for AGES and we cannot be bothered writing anymore cuz our brains hurt. Plus we were really pissed off at nothing and our anger clouded our minds, preventing us from writing anything good quality. **

**SO!!!! For the next chp, who should we target? Is Claire pissing you off? Is Desmond being a prick? Tell us, and we will dedicate a chapter to the bashing of them! **

**Stay tuned for the next chp!**

**Nica and Ash. (whose names are going back to normal)**


	5. Dezzo is blown up

**Only one review for last chapter? Was it really that bad:( **

**I'm sad now! But, as requested by my ONE faithful reviewer, we shall bag the hell outta Desmond in this one. Just his name gives a wide range of bashing opportunities... hehehehe...**

**Nica: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! FUN!!!!**

I darted around the lost island loudly and suspiciously humming the theme tune of Mission Impossible, fingers cocked in the shape of a gun. I could see my target just up ahead and I rushed towards him.

'Dezzy! WASSUP!!!!!!!!!!!' I screamed into his ear.

Dessymondo jumped. 'What was that for brother?'

'I AM NOT A MAN!!!!!!!!!' I screamed. 'AND I AM NOT YOUR DAMN BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!'

Dezzo wasn't quite sure how to take it, so I decided to stop messing around. Grabbing his arm, I dragged him into The Torture Chamber and shoved him on 1 of the treadmills that were in there. Nica was also in there making Hurley lift extremely heavy dumbells while whipping him and saying' NO-ONE STEALS CHOCOLATE FROM THE LAIR!!!!!!!'

I walked over to Nica.'Nice workout.'

'Thanks.' Nica said. 'Whipping is hard work.'

Hurley came over to us dripping in disgusting sweat.'Can I have just one chocolate bar?Please?'

'EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW' I screamed.'Hurley sweat!!!GET IT AWAY!!!!'

Nica kicked out at Hurley to get him away but Hurley grabbed Nica's army boot and pulled it off. 'GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!' Nica growled.

Hurley ran off with Nica's boot and we couldn't find him till' we went down to the beach to annoy Jack and pelt dog crap at him and Dezzzimonalisa. Hurley was sitting there on the beach devouring Nica's favourite boot.

Hurley was locked in the naughty corner for 3 days with little food.

Nica and I decided to turn our attention to Dezzzymondo bashing.

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!' We laughed while pelting Vincent's fruity dog crap at Dezzy. (We had gloves on.For Hygiene reasons.) 'RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!' Desmondina bellowed as a fruity crap landed in his mouth.

'EEWWWWWWW!!!!' I screamed.' Dezzzy's eating dog crap again!!'

Deszy blew up from rage and grew 20 feet tall and became a rampaging monster who wanted to murder us and then wash us down after eating all that dog poo. Then if we did rise from the dead we'd be inside him and have to fight an army of dog doo that had morphed into fruity dog poo soldiers and we'd die again from the sickening stench. The stench of death.(again)

I sprinted away, Nica hot on my heels and started to think. 'Hey Nica?'

'Yeah?'

'If we locked him in the hatch then blew up the hatch again, do you think his clothes would get blown off again?'

Nica casually sidestepped the giant rampaging mobster that was Dezzywezzywoo and grinned.

'Mythbusting time.'

* * *

Nica quickly darted out of the inexplicably unexploded hatch and gave me the thumbs up. I nodded and quickly ran out to the jungle where Dezza wezza was tryiong to disinfect his mouth.

'oh _dezzy...'_ I sang. He glanced up and I waved the photo of him and that Penny chick at him. His jaw dropped and he looked like he wanted to explode.

'that's my fxxxxxx picture!!!! PENNY!!!! GIVE ME BACK MA FZZZZZZZZING PICTURE!!!!!!!!!' he bellowed.

'No.' I quickly turned and ran away, leading him towards the hatch. Pretending to dart inside, I jumped into the bushes and kissed the photo.

'Thank you Adobe Photoshop!' I said.

'FIRE IN DA HOOOOOOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Nica screamed, and lit the fuse.

**_KAZZZAAAABLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

'WOO!!!! Burning chunks!!!!' Nica squealed

'That was the coolest explosion sound ever!!!!' I yelled.

The burning chunks landed on a few people, and some died while others caught on fire, but we wern't worried about that. We ran over to the hatch, but instantly recoiled.

'Haaarg!' I gurgled, shielding my eyes. 'Umm... the experiment worked!'

'haaaaaggrrrrrr...' Nica sank to the ground nd twitched violently, disturbing mental images plagueing her mind.

Dezzalina scrambled out of the hatch and looked around desperately for hurley and his mysterious stash of clothes. He wasn't anywhere.

'Leaf, dude. Use a leaf!!!' I screamed, throwing one at him.

Dezzman seemed to notice my discomfort and grinned. 'You know what, i think I'll stay like this!'

'You're sick! Freelancin' round the island...' I broke off and ran away, plotting my evil plans.

Coming back, I started to chop down a tree. 'What are you doing?' he demanded.

'Getting you a leaf.' I snarled. 'Could you stand just over there?'

Dezzadezz obediently went over to THERE and the tree fell right on top of him.

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!' I laughed.

**Can't be stuffed writing any more now. Next chp will be a bit better. We're gonna do Claire and Aaron bashing, mmmkay? But only if we get a SUITABLE amount of reviews. Those are our conditions. Review or we won't update!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!**

**Nica: (Is on life support) Disturbing... mental... images... **


	6. Claire and her dodgy Aussie accent

**Yeah, I updated with like, NO REVIEWS, but I was busting to add this chap since I'd finished it so quickly, but next chap, EXPECT NO MERCY!!!**

After Nica recovered from her life threatening mental images and I explained what had happened. She laughed, kicked DEZBOT3000 and we decided to leave him there and annoy the hell and of Claire,Charlie and Aaron.

'We're off to see the wizard!!' I sang.

'The wonderful wizard of OZ!!!' Nica continued.

'Wait a minute, is Charlie a wizard?' Nica asked.

'He must be.' I said.

'OMG! We have to drive a stake through his heart before he bites us and turns us into wizards!!!' Nica exclaimed.

Nica and I went to the lair and found ourselves some weaponry and went 'Charlie the evil wizard' hunting.

Sawyer and Boone saw us running towards the beach with some stuff to kill Charlie with.

'What the hell are you chicks doing?' Sawyer asked.

'Killing Charlie before he bites everyone and we all turn into blood sucking wizards!!' I said waving our weapons around.

'Don't you mean Vampires?' Boone asked.

'But don't wizards go around biting people and turning them into wizards.' Nica said with a very weird expression on her face.

'No thats vampires.' Sawyer said cracking up laughing at us. Boone also started laughing at us.

'Does that mean that Harry Potter is not a person-biting blood-sucker?' I questioned.

'As soon as we get back home we are so going to see the Harry Potter movies.' Nica said.

I nodded solemnly, lowering my stake. I cast Nica a sideways glance and we both nodded.

'WE'RE OFF TO KILL THE WIZARD,'

'THE DRUGGED UP WIZARD OF OZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

We found Charlie holding Aaron down the beach, humming some awful song that I'd never heard of before.

'Hi Charlezz!!' Nica said. She then tried to stab him with the stake.

'Oy!' Charlezz yelped, grabbing his chest. 'What was that for?'

Nica attempted to stab him a couple more times and Charlezz accidentally dropped Aaron. 'Woops!' He said. He bent down quickly and picked him up, swatting away Nica's attacks. 'It's okay, I got ya.'

I laughed. 'Five second rule dude. He's no good now.'

Charlezz stared at me, and Nica poked him in the butt. 'It's not working!' She growled, frustrated.

'Let me do it,' I said, elbowing her out of the way. 'FEAR MY GARLICKY WRATH!!!!!!!!!!!!' I screamed. I pelted garlic cloves at him.

'Oh yeah, that reeally worked, didn't it?' Nica said sarcastically.

'Why don't we just shoot him?' I asked.

Nica shrugged. 'We don't have any real guns. SOMEONE, as in, the authoress, thought it would be too VIOLENT...'

'Hey, I think I speak for everyone when I say we don't wanna see what you'd do with a gun. You're dangerous enough with water pistols!'

I gestured to a huge field of people all with soaked crotches lying not too far away. Nica giggled. 'It looks like they peed their pants!!'

She began to laugh hysterically, and I was about to bring my stake down over her head when someone interrupted.

'Excuse me?'

'Yes?' I said, stake still raised over the bent figure on the ground.

'I was wondering if you could mind Aaron for a while,' Claire said. 'Charlie and I are going for a walk and Sun and Jin are busy.'

I stared at her. 'You want ME to look after your baby?'

'Well, yeah.'

'Are you sure that's WISE? I mean, I wanted to throw him in the bin just before because of the five second rule and you're asking ME to babysit?' This chick was weird.

'So you'll do it? Great!' she said. Grabbing Charlezz'z hand, they walked away together.

'Dude...' I said, staring at Aaron. 'Okay, seriously, what kind of mother is she? She walks away and leaves her kid with a mental psycho while she goes off into the jungle of mystery with an evil bloodsucking wizard druggo!'

'To do SUSPICIOUS ACTIONS,' Nica added, recovering somewhat from her little spazz out.

'Yeah...' Aaron blinked up at us. 'HELLO LITTLE KID!!!!!' I bellowed.

He started to cry. 'Hey, what's wrong with him?' I said, confused.

'Well, maybe if you didn't BELLOW at him and have your hands outstretched like you're going to grab him...' Nica said.

I was dumbfounded. Didn't kids love peekabellow? 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we take him for some swimming lessons?'

'Yeah! Let's do it!'

ONE HOUR LATER...

Evil Charlezz and Claire came back from their "WALK" (cough cough) only to find us looting their tent and carrying it back to the LAIR.

'What the hell are you guys doing?????' Claire screamed.

'Taking our payment,' I said happily, carrying a big box of apollo bars. 'You didn't expect us to work for NOTHING, did you?'

'Well... I... uh... where's Aaron?' she said, flabbergasted.

'Oh, we took him for some swimming lessons. He's a real natural!' Nica said, returning from her trip.

'Didn't move much though. Mostly just floated face down,' I explained.

Charlezz and Claire stared at us in horror. I laughed. 'Heh, just kidding guys. He's sunbaking on a rock over there,' I jerked my thumb in the direction of a rocky outcrop being pounded by waves. Claire screamed and ran towards it. Charlezz just stared at us. 'How could you?' He gasped.

'SILENCE, WIZARD!!!!' I screamed. I threw some garlic at him and he sidestepped them.

Charlie found some rocks on the ground and started pelting rocks at us and screaming about what psycho baby-murderers we are.

Nica grabbed a rock and pelted it at his head and Charlie was knocked cold.

'Back to work.' I said and we continued looting Charlie/Claires tent.

After looting Claire/Charlies stuff we decided to loot DEZZBOT 3000's stuff.

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!' We laughed manically.

Jack came over to us while we were looting DEZZo's tent and started cursing and throwing sand at us.

'GO TO HELL JACKASS!!!!!' I yelled and made an obscene hand gesture at him.

Nica turned around and also made an obscene hand gesture to emphasis the point we were making.

I found a coconut on the ground and chucked it at Jack.

The coconut sped through the air and hit Jack on the head. Jack fell down and the coconut insides splattered everwhere.

'I always knew he had a thick skull.' Nica said.

'Let's just take this load to the Lair so we can blame Hurley for this.' I gestured at Jack lying unconscious in the middle of the beach covered in coconut gunk.

We ran to the Lair and unloaded the goods.

'Do you think we'll be able to eat all of this?' Nica asked while we stared at the tonnes of food we had.

'Well we could share with the rest of the island, BUT that means that Hurley is gonna be even FATTER.' I said.

'Yeah, he'd eat everyones food and there would be none for us.' Nica said.

In the end we decided to keep the 2 million tonnes of food for ourselves, despite the fact that we stole some of it and claimed the winnings from the Big Fat-Fatties weight loss program for our greedy selves. Strangly we didn't seem to be gaining any weight.

'Must be part of the island's secret power.' I muttered to myself.

'I know.' Nica said. Sometimes we think the same things. Guess it was one of those days.

As we turned around to leave the Lair, there was a bright flashing light and a cloaked guy appeared.

'Who the hell are you?' I questioned.

'Who cares. He's HOT!' Nica exclaimed.

What the f? You can't even see his face.' I said.

The cloaked guy pulled the hood off his face.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!' Me and Nica screamed.

The guy stared at us. 'What the hell are your problems???'

'AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!' We kept screaming.

'Greetings squealing weirdos, my name is Sexyman.' The cloaked guy said.

'EEEWWWWW.' Nica cringed and ran outside to throw up.

I had a weird look on my face, as though I had just sucked a lemon. A very sour lemon. 'Your name is SEXYMAN?' I questioned. 'But you're...' I broke off, and my tummy made a loud_ gurr _noise and I ran outside to throw up as well.

'Bleeh...' Nica said. 'YUK!!!'

Sexyman cleared his throat uncomfortably and pulled his hood back over his head. 'As I was saying... Greetings, squealing weirdos, my name is Sexyman, and you are probably wondering why I have appeared before you.'

He waited and we both nodded. 'Well, it is because I, Sexyman, brought you here.' he continued.

'Eh?' I said. 'Hey, wait a sec, this is our LAIR, you didn't bring us here! GET OUT OF THE LAIR!!!!' I yelled.

'No! I didn't mean it like that! I meant...' he searched desperately for the right words as Nica got out her cricket set. 'I meant I brought you here to this island!'

'Wasn't that Sawyer?' Nica said suspiciously.

'No. I sent him to your part of the world as a link- a way to get back. You see it is to do with astrophysics. I opened a wormhole and sent Sawyer through it, using gravitational forces and masses, combined with my knowledge of precise times and events happening. I was able to calculate where to send Sawyer thanks to-

WHAT WE HEARD...

'blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...'

_Good God this is boring, _I thought. _I wonder if Nica wants to go for a swim?_

Nica glanced over at me and I nodded. We both began to leave the LAIR.

'Hey! Where are you going?' Sexyman cried desperately. 'I haven't finished!'

'You were boring the crap out of us,' I told him.

'Oh... um, well...'

'Look, what's your reason for coming to see us?' Nica demanded.

Sexyman lowered his head and spoke quietly. 'I brought you here because I chose you.'

Nica and I threw each other puzzled glances.

'I chose you out of all the people in the world to come to this place. Because _it_ chose _you.' _

'Woah woah woah,' I said. 'Slow down. Who's it? And why'd it choose us?'

'The island. It chose you. You are here to discover its secret..' He bagan to fade away, become transperant. ' You must discover the secret of the island, chosen ones...'

Then he was gone.

'Woah, he sounded like Locko!' Nica said. 'And we're the chosen ones! How cool is that?'

'That is pretty cool. So how do we discover the secret?' I said, reeling from this strange allegation.

'Dunno. We'll just have to explore some more. Maybe that monster dude, Smokey will help us.' Nica said.

Or eat us,' I added.

'Yeah...'

Suddenly this simple parody just became a whole lot more complicated.

**Yes, we actually have a plot going for us now! w00t! Don't worry, we'll keep the humour in, but now we have something to build on.**

**So, next chap we're going to bring the polar bears into it, along with your choice of character bashing, but seriously, PLEASE review. We were really sad when we got none last chap. :( **

**PLEEEEEASE REVIEW!!!!! (not that we're desperate or anything...)**


	7. polar bears and pokemon

**Still only one faithful reviewer. WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE US????????????? (sob) Is it because we are evil psycho baby-murderers? If it is, then this chap should clear up the confusion.**

'WILL YOU SHUT THAT DAMN THING UP??????' Nica screamed. Nearby, Aaron was wailing as loud as he could. Privately, I wondered if Claire was deliberately making him wail just to make us mad. Man that chick was nuts! Aaron wasn't even near the actual waves. He was SAFE, but now she was being an evil psycho at us, the Chosen Ones.

'I swear, I WILL KILL that kid FOR REAL if you don't find a way to silence it!!!!' Nica continued screaming.

The wails quieted and Nica retreated to her tent, muttering obscenities.

'Why can't we have super powers?' she grumbled. 'If we're the damn Chosen Ones we need to have super powers.'

I grunted an agreement and resumed my thinking. 'You know, I think we should go exploring tomorrow. To discover that secret. We can't just laze around all day hoarding food.'

Nica lookled affronted. 'Hey, we put a lot of effort into Big Fat Fatties. We don't just laze around. But yeah, we'll go exploring tomorrow.'

I nodded and shut my eyes.

NEXT DAY…

'You snored last night,' Nica growled.

'Get over it,' I snapped.

We continued to smash through the jungle, crushing countless insects and plants.

'If that Dr. Artz guy was here, he would love this,' I said.

'Yeah, but he's not. He got blown up for our amusement,' Nica grinned.

We tramped our way through a clearing, squashing a bazillion flowers. It didn't matter though. There was still a bajillion of them left.

'Okay, what "secret" are we looking for out here anyway?' I asked. 'Secret… bugs smell when you squish them. Secret… the rocks here are grey. Secret…'

'My butt is itchy,' Nica put in helpfully.

I gave her an odd look and she dropped her gaze.

'It's not my fault… my undies keep riding up my crack.'

'NICA!!!! Too much information! The readers don't want to know about that!' I yelled.

She shrugged. 'You're the author.'

We argued for a while until I suddenly stopped. 'Whoah…' I said.

A half eaten boar carcass was steaming in front of me. 'Woah…' I said again.

'SICK!!!!!!!!!!!' Nica screamed.

There was a low growl behind me. I turned to look…

And came face to face with an enormous polar bear.

'AAAAAARG!!!!!!' I screamed.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG!!!!' Nica screamed. The polar bear jumped…

And I went weird.

'NICA!!!! I CHOOSE YOU!!!!'

_POKEMON!!!!_

INSANE POLAR BEAR would like to battle!

INSANE POLAR BEAR sent out INSANE POLAR BEAR!!!

ASH sent out NICA!

Nica: Hey!

NICA is ANGRY!!

INSANE POLAR BEAR used SWIPE!!

Nica: ARG!!!

NICA used FERAL ANIMALISTIC ATTACK!!!!

It's super effective!

INSANE POLAR BEAR used TACKLE!!!

Foe INSANE POLAR BEAR's attack missed!

Me: Yeah!!!

NICA used TRIUMPHANT PROFANITY TIRADE and OBSCENE HAND GESTURE!!!!

Foe INSANE POLAR BEAR is DEEPLY HURT!!!!

NICA doesn't CARE!!!!

INSANE POLAR BEAR used RAWR!!!

NICA fled the battle!!!

Me: Ah crap…

ASH sent out ASH!!!

Nica: Hah! Now I control the battle…

ASH used BITCH-SLAP!!!

INSANE POLAR BEAR used BAD SMELL!!!

ASH is DISGUSTED!!!

ASH used BITE!!!

Nica: What the????

Foe INSANE POLAR BEAR fainted!!!!

'YAH!!!! How do you like THAT score????' I screamed.

'That was weird…' Nica said.

I was too busy groovin' and wallowing in my victory to notice. 'NEVER MESS WITH THE CHOSEN ONE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!' I screamed.

Nica rolled her eyes at me.

'I'm NOT A FLIPPEN POKEMON DAMN YOU OTHER CHOSEN ONE!!!' Nica stalked off into the woods.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!' Nica came running back follow by Smokey.

SMOKEY would like to battle!

ASH sent out NICA!

Nica: FAG!!! Send out yourself!!! ASS!!!

SMOKEY sent out SMOKEY!

SMOKEY used ATOMIC FART ATTACK!

NICA used OBSCENE HAND GESTURES!!

It's not very effective...

SMOKEY used CHARGE UP!

SMOKEY is getting pumped!

NICA fled the battle!

Ash:'NICA YOU FAG, GET THE HELL BACK HERE!!'

NICA keeps RUNNING!!

ASH is blinded by her BUTTCRACK!!!

ASH sent out ASH!!!

SMOKEY used FART BOMB!!!

ASH is OVERWHELMED!!

ASH used SMARTASS COMMENT!!

ASH:'Is the such thing as a TIC-TAC for your BUTT!?!??!'

SMOKEY used PSYCHO FLAILING MOVE!!!!

'WHO WILL SAVE THE DAY??' Nica yelled from a safe distance.

'FORGET THE DAY WHO'LL SAVE THE HEROES!!' I screamed

INSANE POLAR BEAR woke up!

ASH sent out INSANE POLAR BEAR!

SMOKEY sent out SMOKEY!

INSANE POLAR BEAR used BITE!

It's not very effective...

SMOKEY used PSYCHO FLAILING MOVE!

INSANE POLAR BEAR used ROAR!!

SMOKEY fled the battle!!!!

ASH is sick of this pokemon writing STYLE!!!!

NICA AGREES!!!

NICA stops TYPING!!!

'woah... that polar bear saved us!' Nica said.

'Aww, it's so CUTE!!!' I squealed.

The not-so-insane polar bear blinked up at us cutely. 'Garoo?' it growled softly.

'That's it. This is my pet, and it shall be mine and it shall be my Fluffy.' Nica declared.

'Fluffy?' I said.

'Yep.' She hugged it and it licked her.

We decided to take Fluffy to the LAIR and fed it some food. Then we left abruptly when we found out that it wasn't house trained.

'We'll let Hurley clean that up later,' I said, wrinkling my nose.

'MMMMMMM.CANDY!!!' Noca crunched away.

NICA used EAT CANDYBAR!!!!!

ASH is ANGRY!!!!

SAWYER used STEAL!!!

NICA is ANGRY!!!

NICA used GUN!!!!

ASH:'NOOOOOO!!!!!!! WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GET THAT GUN FROM?!?!?!?????!!!!!!'

NICA: ' I'm typing now.'

ASH wrestles NICA over KEYBOARD!!!

SAWYER used EAT!!!!

ASH used ABRUPT CHAPTER END!!!

_bzzzzt..._

**A/N: For those who are thinking "these chicks are weirdos", this chapter was typed POKEMON style. Not that we play Pokemon of course... (shifty eyes) okay, we USED to, years ago. YEARS ago. I'm talkin' YEARS and YEARZZZ AGO PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! YE-**

**NICA used POLE ATTACK!**

**ASH fainted!**

**N/N: (Nica's note.)THE AUTHOR PLAYS POKEMON RUBY!!!!!!LIESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Oh, and review. Before Ash suffers a heart attack, and I kill you in revenge. **

**NICA will use OBSCENE HAND GESTURE!!!!!!! And KILL!!!**

**R&R!!! OR BE DEAD BECAUSE NICA KILLED YOU!!!!!**


	8. sunshiney happy land!

**Thanx for the review, those who DID.**

**Hey yall'.**

**Another chap for all you's Lost fans.**

**N/N: I'm sorry about the 'Threat' at the end of chap 6. I'm not going to do anything like that. Ok!!**

**Here's the next chap.**

'GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!' Nica charged after Sawyer with her water gun.

Aaaaarg!' Sawyer yelled while somehow eating Nica's chocolate bar.

'OMG!!!!' I screamed.

'WHAT??' Nica yelled while spraying Sawyer with water.

'I found a Scooby Doo plush toy.' I said.

'WWWWWWHHHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA!!' Nica exclaimed.

Nica and I fussed over the 'Scooby' and I started to sing that "Scooby Dooby Doo" song.

Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? It takes some time to love you. ' I sang in a horrible off-key voice.

'Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you, Charlie might have touched this!' Nica cried, nostrils flared in horror.

'EWWWWWW!!' We dropped the scooby doo and ran.

After washing our hands in the sink in the Lair, we decided to go for a walk.

'YAY!!!!!' Nica was being crazy again.

After walking for 20 minutes we came across a cave-like thing.

'OOOOOOOOOOO!!!!' I exclaimed.

We walked inside.

The first thing we saw was a sign.

'Home Sweet Home???' Nica said weirdly.

We assumed that this was the Lair of the others.

'HMMMMMM' Nica started looking though all the junk.

'LIGHTSABRES!!!!!!!!!' I exclaimed.

'WOOO!! I'm Darth Vadar!!!!'Nica was swinging the Light Sabre around like a weirdo.

'Nica, you ass, you didn't even put the batteries in!' I yelled.

'Oh.' she quickly grabbed a pack of batteries off the wall and shoved them in.

_Shoop!_

'YEAH!!!' She started to swing it around again and accidentally cut off her hand.

'Oops!' she said.

'Here you go.' i gave her hand and she stuck it back on.

'Thanks.'

We decided to spend no more on this subject.

'Look Fluffy! Mummy's got a lightsabre!' Nica yelled.

'Grawr!' Fluffy agreed.

'So do I! I have a smexy gold lightsabre!' I squealed.

'Since when was there such thing as a GOLD lightsabre?' Nica demanded. 'Are you TRYING to cause a plot hole in the story?'

'No. I just like gold!' I grinned and swung it around. 'w00t! We're like Jedi! And since we're on this island the Copyright bureau can't get to us! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!'

'I wonder if we can use The Force?' Nica swung around and held out her hand to the first unfortunate victim she could find. JACKERIE!!!!

'Whoa, what the???' Jackass yelled as his fists began to move on their own accord.

'Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!' she cackled as Jack pummeled himself into the ground.

'AHHHHH!!!!' Jack was squealing like a pig.

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!' Nica was laughing like a weirdo again.

'Heehee!' I laughed making Hurley do laps around the island.

'Hurley's gonna lose alot more pounds, now that we can make him do stuff.' Nica said grinning.

'Wish we had these powers when we did Biggest Loser, Lost style.'I sighed.

'Yeah.'Nica said while whipping Jack with the new 'Jedi Knight' powers.

'Hahahahahahahahaha!!!' I laughed at Nica levitating a whip and making it whip Jackmondo.

After annoying everyone we decided to go to the Lair.

'Hey, what's that?' Nica ran over to a small silver object.

As soon as Nica touched the silver object, she disappeared in a flash of light.

'OMG!!! NICA!!!' I yelled and touched the silver object.

_pop!_

I appeared in an unknown land.

'What the hell?' I said staring at Nica who was having a fit on the ground.

I looked around. I was surrounded by bright colours, rainbows, life-size teddybears, ponies, rabbits and all those other cute fuzzy/fluffy animals.

Somehow there was that sunshine,lollipops,rainbows everywhere song being played in the background.

I understood why Nica was having a fit.

'ARRRRRGGHTHJTYJHJULGFDHJTJGFTJTY' I screamed while having a fit.

'What the hey?' a small fluffy creature said weirdly, staring at us as we spasmed on the ground. (I almost wrote groin then. That would have been emabarrasing...)

'Gawrsh, look at that!' A FAT teddy bear said. 'What're you doing in Sun-shiny-happy-land?'

'You mean this ISN'T the realm of everlasting darkness and PAIN??????' a raven cawed. 'CRAP!!!!'

I stopped spasming long enough to give the Fatso teddy bear an obscene hand gesture and continued spasming.

'ACK!!!!' Fatso screamed and passed out. The rest of the fuzzy things gasped and muttered amoungst themselves.

'Okay enough of this!' Nica said and went back to normal. I did the same. 'Let's murderise these damn pansy-bitch fluffy animals! HWAH!!!!!!'

'Uh, Nica... what did you do?' i said.

'Erm...' she swung her hands around a bit. 'Hey! What happened to the damn force dammit?'

'Try jiggling your hands!' I suggested.

We flipped our hands around crazily, but nothing happened.

'How am I supposed to murderise fluffy pansy-bitches if I don't have the force and SOMEONE wouldn't give me a gun?' she yelled.

'Oh, don't start on that again. I'm sick of you blaming me for everything!' I snapped.

While we were bickering we didn't notice the fluffy things surrounding us.

'AND THAT is why YOU are a BITCH!!!!!!!' Nica screamed.

'Well YOU'RE... um, why are we surrounded by these fluffy pony-things?' I asked.

'Meeeeh...' she said as they growled at us.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' We screamed and tried to run away but got trampled.

'I think it's time for some more Pokemony weirdness.' Nica grunted.

EVIL PONIES would like to fight!!!

EVIL PONIES sent out EVIL PONY 1!!

ASH sent out NICA!!!

NICA used DEATH-GLARE OF TOTAL WEIRDNESS!!!

EVIL PONY 1 is uneffected.

EVIL PONY 1 used CHARGE!!

EVIL PONY 1 is getting pumped!!!

Nica: 'Oh Shit!!!'

NICA used CRAZY MADE-UP KUNG FU MOVE!!!

Nica:' HIYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

NICA'S attack missed!!

EVIL PONY 1 used STOMP!

NICA is crushed!!!!

Ash: Ah CRAP!!!!

ASH sent out ASH!

ASH used MIDDLE FINGER OF JUSTICE!!!!

EVIL PONY 1 is deeply OFFENDED!

EVIL PONY 1 used RAWR!!

ASH fled the battle!!

ASH could not escape!!

Ash: Wait, that makes no sense, they wanted me to run away!

EVIL PONY 2: SILENCE!!!!!!!!!

EVIL PONY 1 used HEADBUTT!

ASH fainted!

2 hours later we woke up in that Sunshine, happyland castle that was miles from where we were.

'Where the freakin' hell are we???' I moaned and rolled over on the bright pink fluffy bed that I must of been sleeping for hours in.

'Where's Nica?' I jumped up and ran to the door.

_BAM!_

I ran into the door.

'OOOOOOWWWWWWW! I think I cracked my skull on the door!!' I yelled in intense pain.

'Oh no!!!! Ash, they put you on drugs!' Nica squealed from the other bed.

'No they didn't,' I snarled, rubbing my head.

2 fluffy purple bunnies burst through the door.

They dragged us off to the 'Royal Room' and forced us to bow down to their leader.

Their leader who was sitting on the throne was ...

'CHARLIE!!!!! OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!????!!!' I screeched.

'That's the almighty Fluffy-Cutie Sweetums ALMIGHTY Charlie to you inferior personz!!!!!' he said.

Nica blinked and burst out laughing. I was to busy fretting over the fate of my poor uneaten sandwich that I had left behind next to the silver thing to stop her and save us from our certain doom, so she kept laughing.

'Why are you laughing?' Charlezz demanded.

'You're... so... FRILLY!!!!!!!!!!!' she screamed in between gasps.

I stopped worrying about my sandwich, made a mental note to feed Fluffy and looked up. Indeed he was frilly! I couldn't believe it. Charlezz, a pansy? No wait, I _could _believe it, but seeing it...

'WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh, my head really hurts, stupid friken door... (mumbles obscenities) WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!' I screamed.

'Hey Charlezz,' Nica said, beginning to stagger like a drunk. 'Want some drugzzzzzzzzzzz?'

'Not again...' I muttered.

'Drugs...?' he mumbled.

'YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!!!!!!!!!!' she screamed, staggering violently.

She then proceeded to fall on top of Charlie, somehow crushing him with her thin frame. (A/N: no she's not fat... she's pretty skinnny, and I was going to make it that she crushed him with her ENORMOUS FAT BLOATED SLUG OF A BODY, but then I'd risk getting a thrashing from her.)

Then the world erupted with laughter and we disappeared.

'AAAAH!!!!' I screamed, and fell on the floor with a THUD!!!

'RAAARG!!!' Nica yelled and fell on top of me with a loud curse.

'Geroff me ya fat-' I yelled, my voice muffled .

'I AM NOT _FAT_!!!!!!!!!' she screamed and dove on me again with a tangle of limbs.

She started pummeling me and I fought back with anger.

'GRRRR!!!' I snarled, and grabbed the nearest limb, intending to bite it off.

Suddenly Nica stopped and stood up, leaving me on the floor angrily gnawing my foot off. Her eyes narrowed. 'Sexyman...'

I stopped biting. Sexyman was standing in the LAIR, laughing his ugly head off.

'Oh man... you two are hilarious,' he chuckled.

'Thank you,' Nica said, and kicked him.

'OW!!!!' he yelled.

'Wait a minute... was it you that transported us into that Bucket of Shit-land?' I asked.

'Yeah,' he said, chuckling again. 'It was gonna be a test, to see how ingenious you are, but...' he started howling with laughter again.

So I strated beating the shit out of him.

'OW!!! Yip! No, arrg! NO!!! YOW!!!! No... NOT THERE!!! ARRRG!!! Son of a- erk! AAH!!!!'

'Grorf?' Fluffy snuffled at my pockets looking for treats.

'Not now Fluffums,' I said sweetly. 'Mummy's busy.'

I continued to smash the crap out of Sexyman, then threw him at the silver thing and he disappeared.

'Done and done.' I said.

We played with Fluffy for the rest of the afternoon.

**So, how was that? We were happy about this chap because more than one tremely AWESOME person reviewed, so thankies! **

**Till later, keep laughing!**

**The Chosen Ones.**

**A.k.a**

**Ash and Nica.**


	9. Star Wars and Harry Pothead

**HI ppl :D**

**We are very happy so expect a good chp!!**

**ASH: Mebbe... (SHIFTY EYES)**

**Nica: Don't act like a fag ok?**

**ASh: Ok. (acts like a fag)**

**Nica: I'll deal with you later...**

**DUNAANNANANANANAANAANANNANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

'OMG!!!!!! IT'S YODA!!!!!!!!!!!' I screamed.

'No, that's Locko,' Nica snapped.

'Oh...' I said, disappointed. 'Well then that's Jabba over there!'

'It's Hurley. Get over it.' Nica growled.

'I continued to make comparisons between characters from Star wars and the Losties until Nica snapped a branch over my head.

'SHUDDDUP!!!!!!!!!' she roared.

'Hey, if we're chosen ones, who would we be?' I asked, completely unperturbed despite a rather large bruise on my head.

'I'M ANAKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Nica screamed at once. 'HE'S FRIGGIN SEXY!!!!!!!!!'

Boone appeared out of nowhere looking hurt then mysteriously melted back into the jungle. We ignored this and I wondered who I would be.

'Han Solo? Nah, he's a perv. And I'm a chick. That'd be wrong.' I mused.

'I'M STILL ANAKIN!!!!' Nica sang. 'He's a sexy beast... reeowr!!!!'

'You realise that since you're him, you can't like... do bad stuff to him or that would be self molestation.' I said.

Nica looked shocked. 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' she screamed.

'HAHA!!!! Hmmm... I do believe that I'll be that Padme chick. Anakin's GIRLFRIEND, hahahahahaha!!!!'

'So what Anakin is married to me. BURN!!!' she suddenly dragged Anakin out of nowhere and started pashing him.

It took several hours to get Nica away from Anakin and shove him back through his portal.

_when I find Sexyman, _I thought savgely, dragging a thrashing Nica away from the portal, _I will shoot him._

I dragged Nica down to the beach where we witnessed Boone drowning himself while we made more comparisons, Nica strangely eager to join in this time, probably because she was feeling so bitchy.

'HA!!!! FAT MOLE JABBA!!!!!' Nica screamed at a poor unsuspecting Hurley.

Sawyer was saving Boone when I turned around, so I said. 'Awwww, soooo cute!!!! That's Han Solo all the way!!!'

''Well then Booney's LUKE SKYWALKER!!!!!' she gushed.

'And there's Jar Jar Binks!' I scowled, glaring at Jackeriearse. Whipping out my lightsabre, I charged at JJB.

'DIE YOU BASTARD!!!!' I screamed.

Nica waved a little flag with the word "Ash" on it and spectated with enthusiasm. 'WOOO ASH!!!!!!!!!!'

When I came back, Nica pointed out something.

'You have something on your shirt!' Nica said.

'Do I have something on my shirt???' I asked.

'Ya you have something on your shirt!' Nica said.

'I don't think I have sumthin on ma shirt,' I said.

'I think ya do!'

'No I don't!'

'YES YA DO!!!'

'I WORE MA BIB!!!!!' I screamed.

We stared at each other weirdly, Nica staring at the _I love Sawyer _bib.

After more weird staring we went back to comparisons.

'LOOK!!!!! DUMBLEDOREEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Nica screamed so forcefully I began to wonder why her lungs hadn't just exploded out of her mouth and covered me with their grott.

'And there's Haggis,' she said proudly.

'Isn't it Hagrid?' I asked, peering at the newcomers.

'No. It's HAGGIS.' she insisted

'I thought haggis was a food.' I said.

'Nope that's Hagrid. Y'see, you go into restaurants and ya say, "I'll have some Hagrid thanks," and they say "piss off mate." and you sue them for millions and MILLIONS!!!!' she sang.

'Too much sugar there Nica. Too much.' I shook my head at her.

'OH MY GORSH, IT'S HARRY AND HERMIONE IN THE BUSHES!!!!!!' Nica screamed suddenly.

'Huh?' I said. A screaming Ron suddenly ran past me and leapt into the ocean to try and drown himself. Bewildered, I wondered what the hell was going on.

'Sexyman must have opened up another portal!' I cried.

Doubling my resolve to shoot him in the ass, I got out my lightsabre and and began herding all of the characters back into their world.

'Dude. Beard. Not cool.' Nica said to Dumbledore, who seemed a little weirded out by the happenings, especially as he was supposed to be DEAD.

Of course, Nica, who had absolutely NO TACT WHATSOEVER began to list a million different reasons why she hated his beard.

'It's smelly, it's creepy, it's bloody LONG and DISGUSTING, it's just plain GROSS...' she said, ticking them off on her fingers.

'Stop harrassing him, would you?' I snapped, chasing them all into the portal. 'He's supposed to be DEAD, isn't he?'

A few minutes later, I had driven everyone back into their world, but I was still bloody angry.

'Hey, where you going?' she called after me as I stalked into the jungle.

'I'm going to find Sexyman.'

**Yeah, I'M ANGRY!!!!! Grrrr! Sexyman's gonna get it!**

**N/N: Yeah, I like Anakin. IS THAT A CRIME???????????**

**Shaddup Nica. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!**


	10. Santa Special!

**SUP????**

**Finally an update. But this isn't a normal update, oh no, this is a special update... A SANTA SPECIAL!!!!!!!**

**Nica: What the F? It's nowhere near Christmas. You just couldn't be stuffed updating normally could you?**

**Me: Em... no... I'm doing it cuz... cuz it would be Christmas on the Lost Island!!**

**Nica: What the hell.**

**Me: Well, they crashed in September (i think) and they've been there 3 months sooooooo... CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!! yeah, that'll hold...**

**Nica: Sigh...**

**_Presenting... THE SANTA SPECIAL!!!! WOOOOO!!!!_**

'Hey Nica, check this out!'

'Coooool!!!!'

We were going through the mini-plane that we discovered during Big fAT fATTIEs, and I had found some more costumes.

'WHEE!!! I"m a leprechaun!!!! Fiddle-dee-dee, I LIKE CHEESE!!!!' Nica screamed.

'WOAAAAH!!!! Look, a Santa outfit!' I squealed. I grabbed a red and white outfit from the bottom and tried it on. It was pretty faded and was stained in some places, but I thought I looked pretty good.

'You look like the Santa from my nightmares,' Nica said, looking alarmed.

I pulled the beard on too. It was itchy and mouldy so I gave it to Fluffy for a chew toy.

'I'll go without the beard,' I grabbed the Santa bag. 'This sort of looks like a body bag doesn't it?

'Yeah, let's kill Charlie and chuck him in the bag and throw him into the ocean!' Nica cackled.

'Hmmm, maybe later.' I said.

'I've been a good girl, so can I have the best presents?' Nica asked.

Boone appeared out of somewhere. 'No you haven't. You've been very naughty.' Boone stated. (surely he knew her nickname was "Naughty Nica?")

'Well at least I haven't been freelancin round the island. Dezzo was doin that the other day.' Nica said.

All three of us cringed in disgust.

Just as we were cringing DEZZO ran past us, stark naked.

We lost all sight for 3 days.

When we regained it, I dressed up in my dodgy Santa outfit and ran around the island.

'HO freakin HO HO!!!!!' I bellowed. I heaved my sack over my shoulder and swung it at any curious onlookers who got too close.

'OOF!!' yelled Jack as I drove him into the sand.

'Take that Jock!' I roared.

'Don't you mean Jack?' Nica questioned.

'SANTA KNOWS ALL!!!!' I bellowed, swinging my sack at a naturally hungry Hurley.

I went over to Charlie and reached into my sack of, ah-hem, "goodies."

'YOU'VE BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY. YOU GET VIRGIN MARY STATUES. Filled... with... DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

'AHHHREIOUEHGJKFHBEJGIOFBNHJKSJER!!!!!!!'Charle spasmed on the ground and Nica jabbed him with a sharp stick.

I turned to Sawyer. 'You, however, have been a very good boy Sawyer.'

'What do I get?' he asked.

'A PASH FROM SANTA!!!!!!!' I screamed, hurling myself at Sawyer.

Nica pulled me off some time later and I went around delivering "happiness" to all. (Nica refers to it as the the Death Gift, but what does she know?) I gave Claire a guide on how to mother children, all handwritten by me.

1. Make Baby.

2. Have baby.

3. Give baby up for adoption.

That was pretty much it. Dezzo got a fashionable banana leaf which he wrapped around his head (idiot) and Juliet got a rock.

'Why would she need a rock? That's stupid. You're stupid. This whole chapter is stupid!' she yelled.

'SILENCE, ELF!!!' I screamed.

'Why am I the elf?' she demanded.

'Coz I'm Santa. Now come on, we gotta give Hurley some dog crap.'

'And dare him to eat it!' Nica added eagerly.

I suddenly came across Jack and Wilbur poking some random bug. 'YOU'VE ALL BEEN VERY NAUGHTY!!!' I screamed. Nica got out the water pistols and grinned.

'HO HO HO, TIME TO GET JOLLY ON YOUR NAUGHTY ASSES!!!!' I screamed.

We attacked Jack and Wilbur with the water pistols (which we forced Sayid to modify so they now spray so hard that it takes skin off) and did our victory dance.

'IT BURNS!!!!!!!!' Jack wailed. I danced up and down, limbs flailing and beer gut flying (fake, people, fake) while Nica did sound effects.

'WOOP WOOP, keeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaah, WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!' Nica screamed. I brought up my hand and slapped her in the face.

'SILENCE, ELF!!!!!!' I yelled again.

'WHAT THE FRIGGIN HELL WAS THAT FOR, THAT DAMM WELL HURT!!!!' Nica screamed at me, rubbing her face.

'You looked like you were having crab sex,' I said.

'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??????' she screamed.

'You were doing the crab mating dance, complete with sound effects,' I snapped.

She looked horrified. 'Our victory dance is a crab mating dance?'

'OMG!!!!!!' we screamed.

Much later, after we changed our victory dance to the "Crackerina" (Macarena on crack) we continued dishing out presents.

'SO, being your 'faithful' elf, what do I get?' Nica questioned.

'We'll see laterz.' I said, grinning evily.

'Well, just so you know, as well as cash,new car, hot pink machine gun, ninja suit, million dollar diamond ring and all that other stuff, I could do with an elf suit ya know?' Nica said.

'Buzz off Nica ya greedy ELF! Now go give Hurley this whole bag of dog crap. It's his SPECIAL present!' I said.

'FINE!' Nica pulled on some gloves and threw the bag of dog crap at Hurley and somehow it managed to open and Hurley was covered in the stuff.

'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!' We laughed for ages.

We went looking for Boone so Nica could pash him and claim it was his present.

However while we were searching for Boone (or Boonie hunny bunny!)as Nica refers to him, we saw a disgusting sight ...

SAYID AND SHANNON MAKING OUT IN THE BUSHES!

'OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!' I screamed.

Nica was throwing up in another one of the bushes that were randomly there. I sprayed them with my water pistols

Nica later emerged; 'Can I have some TiC-TaCs!????'

'OMGZ! BAD BREATH!!!' I threw 50 packets at Nica.

'Much better.' Nica's breath was minty yet again.

We marched back to the beach still looking for Boone (and Sawyer, cuz Santa wanted to spread the LOVE around) and realised that the Losties were all gathered around something.

I pushed past everyone screaming "SANTA FIRST" and I realised that they had found a new package from the Dharma dudes that said _Merry Xmas _on the side.

'All right, move aside everyone,' Elf said. 'The officials are here to confiscate this important piece of STUFF and take it to the lair.'

'Hey, who says you can do that?' Charlzzzzz demanded.

'My freakin gun says I can bloody well do that ya freak Charelzzzzz!!!!!' I yelled. Charlie backed off when he saw Nica and her water pistol, but he got sprayed anyway.

'Lets look through it!' I said eagerly.

We opened up the package to a horrifying sight.

'HEALTH FOOD????????????? FRUITCAKE????? THIS IS EFFING CHRISTMAS NOT THE BLOODY HOMEMADE FRUITCAKE CONVENTION!!!!! WHERE ARE ALL THE CHOCOLATES????????' I screamed.

'They decided to get healthy on our jolly asses!!!!' Nica squealed.

We sprinted away from the health food as fast as we could.

Much later, in the evening when Christmas was almost over, we decided to give the losties a bit of Christmas cheer and we lit a big bonfire and ate chocolates and lollies that we had donated. (only the ones past their use buy date which Nica wouldn't touch) while we all talked and laughed together.

Talk about Christmas spirit. It was so Disney I almost puked later.

**Hope ya liked it. We'll do a proper chapter soon, promise!!!!**


	11. Crabs?

**Hope you liked the Santa special, although it was really the result of my laziness. OKAY!!!! Back to business!!!!**

I crashed angrily through the jungle, hell-bent on finding and destroying Sexyman. Nica jogged behind me, chattering about some crap I didn't care about. I paused and looked around trying to get my bearings. Then I realised that I had no sense of direction and just blindly ran forward, hoping that I would find something... or, more importantly, someone.

'Why are we heading towards the beach?' Nica asked weirdly.

'What?' I stopped and stared at the Losties surrounding me, staring at me like I was crazy.

'I think you led us in a circle,' Nica said.

I turned around and followed the path of death and destruction in the jungle with my eyes. Indeed I had gone in a big circle!!! My point of entry was only a few metres away from my point of return.

'Bloody hell!!!!' I growled. 'JACK, this is all your fault!!'

I kicked Jack hard while he howled 'What did I do???????' and angrily threw him into the ocean.

'Now,now, don't get upset!!!' Nica chided. 'We'll just walk up the beach. That way you can't possibly go in a circle.'

Nica's words made sense, somehow. 'All right, lets go.'

Five minutes later we arrived back at camp.

'WHAT THE FREAK IS THAT ABOUT!!!!' I screamed.

'Maybe I should lead.' Nica suggested.

With Nica's "supreme" directional skills, we made good time up the beach, and arrived at a small rocky outcrop dotted with rock pools.

That gave Nica a chance to bring up an embarrasing memory.

'Remember when we went to the beach when we were about five, and you decided to go stomping through rock pools?' She asked cheerfully.

'Yes,' I said through gritted teeth.

'And then you came across a big one, and you said, "Look at me, I'm gonna jump in this one!!!!" and everyone was watching you and you _leapt _into the pool... and sank.'

'Yes,' I growled.

And you kept going, with your floaties on! And then we had to go over there and fish you out...'

'Just make it sound like I was a little tubber back then,' I snarled.

She laughed and then nodded. 'Well, you weren't fat, but you were a little grubber though. Filthy little beast you were!!!!'

'If you say ANYTHING ELSE, I swear I will kill you!!!!' I yelled.

'Ash, my friend, you haven't changed a bit!!!' She laughed again and put her hand around my neck.

'Take it off, or I'll break it off,' I snarled at her. 'I am not a grubby five-year old!!!'

After hurting Nica, we played truth or dare.

'Dare,' Nica said.

'I dare you to do the crab mating dance,' I said with satisfaction.

Nica's eyes bulge and she quickly looked around. When she was satisfied no one could see, she made her hands into pincers and jumped up and down crazily.

'Sound effects,' I grinned.

She glared at me. 'WOOP WOOP!!!! keeeya!!!! Wooopi!!!!'

Suddnely the ocean began to froth and bubble ominously. Then thousands and thousands of crabs poured out of the ocean, shaking their little booties while scuttling madly towards Nica.

'OH MY GOSH!!!!! WHAT THE FREAK IS THIS!!!!!' Nica wailed.

'IT'S ARMAGEDDON, ONLY WITH CRABS!!!!!' I shrieked.

We sprinted over to a tree and scrabbled madly at the trunk. I managed to get up just far enough for Nica to clamber up below me. Then I stopped.

'Keep going!!!' Nica groaned. 'The crabs are coming!!!!!'

'I can't get up! I'm stuck!' I cried.

'You better bloody not be, I am right below your arse and its NOT a pretty sight, so if you don't move it RIGHT NOW I am going to blow chunks on you and severely hurt you!!!!' she snarled.

Something about the venom in her voice made me move my inconveniently placed arse up the tree, just high enough to get away from the crabs. Nica pulled herself up beside me.

'I'm not speaking to you. A thousand dreadful images are burned into my brain and you're to blame.'

'Can we concentrate on the mass of crabs that are trying to get us at the moment?' I pointed at the swarm of clicking pincers below us and shuddered. 'How long do you think we'll be up here?'

'Long enough so that we'll learn our lesson; never perform the crab mating dance on the beach, lest your best friend's arse be inches from your head,' Nica said solemnly.

'Shut up about my arse!!!! You're the one who performed the mating dance, so you're the one they're after. I could push you out of the tree and they'd leave me alone!!' I yelled.

'You do that and I"ll take you down with me,' she growled.

We glared at each other, and then I shrieked.

'WHAT THE FREAKING HELL!!!!! THEY'RE STACKING THEMSELVES SO THAT THEY CAN CLIMB UP TO US!!!!!'

'I'll save us!!!!' Nica said heroically. She broke off a branch and poked the rapidly rising swarm of crabs. 'Back, back I say!!!!'

The crabs started climbing up the branch. Nica screamed and dropped it, then cowered back.

'Well that worked,' I said sarcastically.

'Is this the end for the great, wonderful and awesome NICA and her slow-witted sidekick ASH????' Nica wailed.

Before I could yell at Nica in our last moments, our salvation came in a very unusual way. Hurley and Locke were standing on the beach performing the crab mating dance to each other. My cheeks bulged with revulsion.

'Great. The last moments of my life are imprinted with the thought of a gay Hocke relationship,' I moaned.

'Hey, you're lucky. My last visions are of your arse WAAAAAAY to close to my face, ya filthy crab,' Nica muttered.

'Speaking of filthy crabs, why are the crabs breaking off their attack?' I wondered.

'They are? WE'RE SAVED!!!!!' Nica cried.

'ooooooh...' I moaned when I realised what was going on. The crabs were going after Hurley and Locke now.

'Damn, that's gross,' Nica said, looking revolted.

We scrambled down the tree and sprinted away, Nica leading so I wouldn't accidentally lead us back to the crabs. Then we finally came to a halt near a little stream running into the ocean. I sighed with relief and took a long drink.

'That was eventful!' I said.

'Yeah,' Nica said. She looked a little shell-shocked, but I didn't say anything.

'Sooo... I guess it's back to finding Sexyman,' I said.

'And discovering the secret of the Lost Island,' Nica added.

'I can help you there,' a voice said behind us.

Without turning around I knew who it was. 'Sexyman,' I growled.

I spun around to face him and pulled out my gun.

'OY!!! No guns!!!!' Nica yelled at me, grabbing it and throwing it in the ocean.

'Hey! I need that!!!' I cried.

'That's what I said, but noooooooo, too DANGEROUS...'

'Well girls, how is discovering the secret?' he smirked underneath his hood.

'Fine!' I snapped at him, trying to formulate a plan that involved Sexyman's death.

'Let me asked; have you checked the camp of the Others?' he asked.

'Why the HELL would I do that?' I asked.

'Because I'll be waiting for you there, and I'll let you take your best shot at me,' he grinned. 'Later.'

He disappeared an I swore loudly. 'Why didn't I just attack him?' I ranted.

'Yeah, you are DUMB sometimes,' Nica agreed.

I sighed. 'I guess its to the camp of the Others then.'

'Yep,' Nica grinned. 'Let's get Fluffy first...'

**You like? I put in Hocke for Lostrocks but... ew. Just ew. That is a sick relationship. **


	12. The End

**So! Who wants to read the very late chapter! YOU, that's who!**

Fluffy galloped through the jungle, smashing us around on her back and making our asses VERY sore.

'So where the hell is this "OTHER" lair?' Nica yelled in my ear.

'I don't know, but I have a feeling we're close!' I shouted back.

**5 HOURS LATER...**

'Close, huh?' Nica scowled.

'Well I don't know how to steer this thing!'

Nica scoffed loudly. Suddenly, the lair of the OTHERS appeared majestically before us.

'They live in a _shack_? What sort of place is this????' Nica cried.

'I think that's the least of our worries...' I said, turning green.

The Others were playing strip poker.

And Ben was losing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

'NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!' Nica screamed, diving off Fluffy and rubbing dirt into her eyes.

'The horror! THE HORROR!!!!!' I wailed.

Fluffy growled in pain and outrage. Charging forward, she initaited a familiar battle sequence...

NAKED BEN would like to battle!

ASH sent out FLUFFY!

FLUFFY: GRWAR

FLUFFY uses ENRAGED PUNCH ATTACK!

NAKED BEN is HURT!

NAKED BEN uses WEIRD EYEBALL STARE!!

FLUFFY is FREAKED OUT!

BEN'S NAKEDNESS blinds FLUFFY!

FLUFFY'S accuracy is lowered!

FLUFFY uses BITE!

FLUFFY'S attack MISSED!

BEN uses CRAZY NAKED DANCE!

ASH and NICA are BLINDED!

FLUFFY uses SAVAGE ATTACK!

NAKED BEN dies!

SEXYMAN steps into the battle!!!

ASH attacks SEXYMAN!

ASH uses MIDDLE FINGER OF JUSTICE!

SEXYMAN is OFFENDED!

SEXYMAN uses UGLY GLARE OF FERAL WEIRDNESS!

ASH is GROSSED OUT!

NICA joins the BATTLE!

NICA uses KICK!

SEXYMAN falls DOWN!

SEXYMAN tries to look up NICA'S SKIRT!

ASH and NICA are ANGRY!

ASH uses RANDOM KARATE MOVES!

SEXYMAN is DIEING!

NICA uses GUITAR HERO GUITAR!

SEXYMAN'S head is smashed IN!

ASH uses GOLD LiGhT SaBrE!!

'GOLD!'

ASH is HAPPY!

ASH bashes the crap outta SEXYMAN!

NICA is on the ground LAUGHING!

SEXYMAN is DEFEATED!

'YAR! WE won!' I screamed.

'Eww! Ben's still naked!' Nica covered her eyes.

I grabbed a random rock and squashed Ben with it.

'Better?' I asked.

' Yes! I nearly died just then.' Nica grumped.

'Umm. Ok...'

'Hey, its Charlie!' Nica yelled.

Me and Nica decided to make Charlie our pet.

'Charlie FETCH!' Nica threw a random stick.

'Anyways.' I said turning back to the others.

'We're here to discover the Lost island secret!'

'Tell us!' I demanded.

They stared at me blankly.

So I started to throw rocks at them and Nica helped.

'Ow!' Juliet gave us a spazzy look, ready to bash us.

ANGRY JULIET would like to battle!

ASH sends out ASH!

SOMETHING suddenly HAPPENS!

KATE says RAWR!

KATE would like to battle JULIET!!!!

ASH is ANGRY!!!!

ASH uses BITCHSLAP!!!

JULIET uses PULL HAIR!!

KATE uses BITE!!!

NICA is WATCHING the THREE-WAY BITCHFIGHT!

SAWYER is LAUGHING!!!

ASH, JULIET and KATE are ANGRY!

ASH, JULIET and KATE decide to BITCH SNIDELY ABOUT SAWYER!!!

SAWYER'S feelings are HURT!!

NICA would like to see ACTION!!!

NICA pokes ASH with a STICK!!!

ASH is ENRAGED!!!

ASH lunges!!!

BOONE starts to PLAY a SONG!!!

'Everybody was Kung Fu fighting!!!'

PPLZ R WEIRDED OUT!!!!

ZOMGZ!!!!1111!!!!111!!!1111!!1oNe!!!!!!!11!! kjfgalkfblkb xcvmhgvbdfhfbgljdgkb nhhgkjfh

NICA sees a CUTE MOUSE THING!!!

'The cuteness!!! _The cuteness!!!!' _Nica squealed, ending the battle.

The Cute Mouse Thing bared its little fangs and bit Nica on the nose.

'ARK!!'

'HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!' we all laughed.

Nica scowled. 'F u all1!!!!11'

She stormed off. I shrugged.

'Yes, as I was asking... what's the secret of the Lost island? Cuz, we are really stuck on this, and SOMEONE,' I shot a glare at a now unconscious Sexyman. 'Told us it'd be here.'

'The secret?' Some Nacho Fatto dude stepped forward, looking at me weirdly. 'You don't know? Well, it's-'

There was a sudden explosion and NFD asploded in front of me.

'Um, ok... anyone else feel like telling me?' I asked, not liking my chances this time.

No one came forward. Then, some divine looking thing mysteriously appeared in front of me, surrounded by smoke.

'Ah-ha! The Chosen One... I see Sexyman brought you from your realm to learn of... _stuff..._ here...' he/she... whatever the hell it was, looked puzzled for a moment. 'But I am forgetting... where is the other Chosen One... the one they call... Nica?'

'Uh, she went to the toilet to do a Number 2,' I informed Heshe.

Heshe looked at me, aghast.

'What? It's what she told me!'

'AHHH!'

Nica came running out of the bathroom.

'THAT tooliet is NOT SAFE PPLZ!' Nica screamed at everyone.

'Umm. Nica what have you eaten recently?!' I said preparing for danger.

'That Smokey dude's in there.'

'WTF?! how can a bunch of smoke stuff take a bog?'

'It was grunting too.' Nica said.

'THAT IS OFF!!!' I bellowed with disgust. Nica agreed. Then she noticed the ungendered being.

'Egad! What the hell is that?????' she cried.

'The plot thickens...' I murmured

'So! What's the secret of the Lost Island?' Nica asked, forgetting her horror.

'The secret of the Lost Island is...' Heshe paused for a dramatic effect. 'Locke Hurley and Jack are all gay together!!!!!'

'That's IT???? We're the Chosen Ones over THAT?'

'Yeah, I think we could have figured it out on our own,' Nica remarked. 'The signs are all there.'

'You suck! This secret sucks!!!' I shouted.

'Your Mother,' Heshe answered.

AND THEN TEH WHOLE WORLD ESPLODED!!!!!111!!!11!1!!1!!1!11

But we survived, cuz we know the Secret of the Lost Island.

'Hey! We're back at school! This is where it all began!!!' Nica yelled.

'Aw... No more huggle sessions with Sawyer-Poo,' I said forlornly.

'NO MORE BOONEY!!!!!' Nica wailed.

Suddenly Sawyer and Boone appeared beside us. We screamed with joy.

'SQUEEEEE!!!! SAWYERZI!!!! BOONZI!!!! OMG WTF!!!!!!'

But it didn't matter that it made no sense, and it didn't matter that the last chapter was a lazy half-arsed attempt to wrap things up before we gave up on it. All that mattered is that we were happy in

THE END

**Finally finished!!! Thank God, eh? This was getting embarrasing... Cheers thanks 4 reading, we love you all!!!!**

**Nica: Non sexually!!!!**

**Peace out!!!**


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